It has been nearly 4 years since I decided to quit drinking. I just realised that that is a long time! Go me.
But here I am, still wondering why my life is a bit shit.
I think that part of me believed that if I quit drinking, everything else would magically improve. And it really did, but maybe not in the extreme, Hollywood, unrealistic way that I had envisaged. There was a part of me that secretly thought that if I quit drinking, I would magically become a size 8, win the lottery and possibly discover a rainbow coloured flying unicorn who farted glitter and shat out gold coins. Because the enormity of quitting drinking must result in some life altering reward, right?
But I think that the key thing about breaking unhealthy habits is that the rewards aren’t always really tangible. I know that no longer drinking alcohol has had a massively positive impact on my health (how can it not?) but because I didn’t drop 4 dress sizes, I felt kind of cheated. Which may seem ridiculous when I type it, but it is genuinely how I felt back then. I want to understand why.
So here I am, 4 years later, trying to break it down and help myself get out of my winter downer and to really try to understand why I think my life is a bit shit.
Lots has changed since I quit drinking but I’m not really sure what is down to removing alcohol from my life and what is just the natural passage of time so I’m going to make a list. I like lists.
| Result of not drinking | Result of life |
| Better sleep | Job change (I hate the job though – need to change that) |
| Improved health | |
| Vastly improved sense of self | |
| Better awareness of those around me | |
| Much better Mummy | |
| More patient | |
| More comfortable with who I am | More comfortable with who I am |
| Saved money | |
| Less self loathing | |
| Less guilt | |
| More accountability | |
| Vastly reduced circle of friends – you would be AMAZED at how many people drop you once you’re “no fun anymore”. Fascinating. | Vastly reduced circle of friends – bloody COVID. |
That was surprisingly easy to write with very little thought.
I’m still not sure why I’m stuck in the mindset of my life being a bit shit though. Is it winter blues? Is it the fact that I didn’t get my Hollywood film ending when I quit drinking? Is it my job and the circumstances in and around that which are adding to the general feeling of unhappiness and lethargy?
I have signed up for a new course but have been procrastinating (brilliantly or hideously, depending on your perspective) so am going to start it now and see how I feel once I have taken that step.
I think this is why I wanted to set up Carnelias; to have a safe space to discuss and talk about this kind of stuff with a group of friendly, non-judgemental women who would challenge and support me to work out what’s going on and what I could do to step out of my funk.
