When I was 18, I hopped on a plane (first time I’d been on one) with my then boyfriend and jetted off to Bali on the start of a planned year plus escapade. Within 4 months we’d split up and there I was in Sydney, alone with not a clue about what was going to happen next. I was excited (and massively relieved to have got rid of him!).

So why, 25 plus years older, on a planned 4 day trip to see Lucy, am I so anxious?

I now live on the south of an island so my trip would be: car, ferry, bus, train (with numerous changes) before getting picked up at the station. Is it the travel that is bothering me? Or is it leaving my secure and insular little Island life?

Luckily I have a 5 hour plus train journey and a laptop to try and figure it out!

First things first. What’s causing my anxiety?

1. Not knowing where I’m going or how to navigate the stations for my changes.
2. Being on my own.
3. Feeling guilty about leaving my children in half term.
4. Being angry at my husband for booking work this week when I’ve had this in the diary for ages.
5. Having to rely on my elderly parents for child care because of point 4.
6. Not knowing what Lucy’s house is going to be like.
7. Pooing in a strange place.
8. Being in someone else’s house without familiar things.
9. The pressure of completing courses to enable Carnelias to go ahead.
10. Pressure of my existing job.

Starting at the top:

1. I’ve literally travelled the world on my own. What is it about this train journey that is so worrying? I’m very rarely on my own and I don’t think I know how to spend time with myself. How often do I just sit? Maybe it’s not the journey/stations, maybe it’s actually being away from home and doing something which I have no control over and can’t micromanage. I used to be excited about new things and new experiences; when did anxiety kick in instead? Being a wife and mother has been my main preoccupation for the last 15-20 years. I think I’m not used to doing something just for me.
2. I always have a child/husband/friend attached. I miss the days in Australia of going to the cinema on my own or going out for brekkie on my own. Or just going to the beach on my own. “On my own” hasn’t been a part of my life for a long time. I think I miss it. Maybe this is the start of getting that back.
3. Ahhhh, Mummy guilt. While a part of me thinks it’s a load of bollocks and I should get over it, it’s also very real and currently engulfing me. My husband is frequently away but I am not. The kids last night were a bit wobbly realising that Mummy isn’t going to be there for a few days. Lots of cuddles and worried faces. The bit that makes me sad is that I’m “justifying” it by saying that it’s for work and our future. Why shouldn’t I just go away because I want to?  Because it should be an essential part of looking after myself! I think it’s part of a bigger picture about my internal narratives and ingrained beliefs about a woman’s role and value, but that’s for a separate post.
4. I booked this months ago. It’s half term. I’m angry that it feels like he disregards my needs. I get that it’s important for him to earn (especially after the last year of not really contributing) but I’m still annoyed that it wasn’t even open for debate or discussion. I can’t imagine that in the reverse, I would behave like that. I’d change my plans to look after the children. His assumption that I’d find a solution irks me, as does his complete lack of awareness that he created anxiety for me. He just didn’t see it.
5. My parents are getting old! I worry about them doing too much and don’t want to add to their worries. I know they love seeing the kids but I’m pissed off that I had to ask them because my husband is a thoughtless twat. (He would point out that he has to earn when he can. I get that but I bloody booked this ages ago!! I’m obviously still annoyed at him and haven’t fully typed that anger out yet).
6. The unknown! Is it middle age and getting stuck in my ways that makes me feel like this? When did I get worried about things like this? And why? Lucy and her family (including her extended family, who I met when they came on holiday to the Island) are lovely, so what is making me nervous? Again, I think I’ve just got out of the habit of doing things for myself. I’m not used to it. Time to start getting used to it again!
7. To be fair, this one has been in existence since I was tiny. I hate pooing away from home or in shared bathrooms. Probably needs more in depth thought than a blog on a train to get to the bottom of that one. (All I can think about are poo puns now – I’m laughing away to myself).
8. I’ve worked hard to create a home that makes me happy. I love the familiarity and rootedness of it. I think having travelled and rented accommodation for so long, I was desperate to put down roots and own my own home. We only bought 5 years ago and Covid has meant that I’ve really bedded down and have hardly left my warm, safe cocoon. I don’t think that this is an all encompassing worry but think that acknowledging it and being aware of it is a good thing. I will enjoy my trip but feel very grateful that I have such security to go home to. So actually, I can reframe this worry as a blessing.
9. Hmmmm. I feel the pressure of this one. My husband’s mental health struggles have meant that our family largely relies on me to organise our lives, and I’ve been the main breadwinner for nearly a year. I’m really worried that the combination of my current job, family and my husband’s obliviousness to my needs may result in me feeling too overwhelmed and closing down/giving up.That’s how I feel. I can’t even see the finish line because of the kids, shopping, laundry, housework, shit job. What’s stopping you from achieving your goals? Or have I cleared your path for you so that you can just focus on getting to the finish line? 

   I think I need to sit down with my husband on my return and talk a lot of this through. I seem to have some resentment festering that needs to be worked out. Particularly around the role I have in our family. I feel enormous pressure to always be there and to have the answers. I really hope his mental health continues to be stable so that there are two functioning grown ups in our house again. It’s been lonely and hard being the only one. 

   I think it’s also indicative of a woman’s expected role in society. We literally have to do it all and to say that we can’t, means we’re not succeeding. Gender roles have changed so much in some ways and not at all in others. Maybe this is just in my little corner of the world but I see it a lot. Women continue with their traditional roles but also take on an earning role. Men do contribute a lot more within homes and families than in the previous generation, but is it an equal split? I frequently point out to my husband that if he says once more, “I emptied the dishwasher for you”, I’m going to hurt him. He didn’t empty it for me. He emptied it because it needed doing and although he may not have noticed and I had to ask him, doesn’t mean it was “for me”. Grrrrrrr. But again, that is a separate blog to be continued another time.

I sent this picture (source: internet) to my husband last week along with the following texts:

That’s how I feel. I can’t even see the finish line because of the kids, shopping, laundry, housework, shit job. What’s stopping you from achieving your goals? Or have I cleared your path for you so that you can just focus on getting to the finish line? 

I think I need to sit down with my husband on my return and talk a lot of this through. I seem to have some resentment festering that needs to be worked out. Particularly around the role I have in our family. I feel enormous pressure to always be there and to have the answers. I really hope his mental health continues to be stable so that there are two functioning grown ups in our house again. It’s been lonely and hard being the only one. 

I think it’s also indicative of a woman’s expected role in society. We literally have to do it all and to say that we can’t, means we’re not succeeding. Gender roles have changed so much in some ways and not at all in others. Maybe this is just in my little corner of the world but I see it a lot. Women continue with their traditional roles but also take on an earning role. Men do contribute a lot more within homes and families than in the previous generation, but is it an equal split? I frequently point out to my husband that if he says once more, “I emptied the dishwasher for you”, I’m going to hurt him. He didn’t empty it for me. He emptied it because it needed doing and although he may not have noticed and I had to ask him, doesn’t mean it was “for me”. Grrrrrrr. But again, that is a separate blog to be continued another time.

    10. Roll on July!! Working in a job that brings me no joy is soul sucking. It impacts everything. I need to off-gas when I get home which means I’m not emotionally available for my children. I have no energy left to socialise so I don’t see my friends. I feel the impact of having no conversation because my soul is unhappy. I don’t like who I am currently. The school holidays bring me relief which is then tarnished with dread at the thought of returning. This is definitely not sustainable long term but is merely a means to an end. I hope with all of my heart that I can manage my work life balance and forge ahead to a brighter future. I am so excited to see what Lucy and I can create. I’ve been dreaming of this business since 2016/2017 and I just need to plough through the next 10 months. I look forward to sharing our adventure with you.